Welcome to this sketch, written by Ben L - there are 4 characters, each with their own personality. We did this in a variety of accents. I think our attempts at the accents were of greater amusement to the young people than the actual sketch content but hey...
For the record, O was from the Welsh Valleys, T was from Leeds, Joseph was from Swansea and Andy was from Liverpool... don't ask why...
This sketch links with the Christmas Part 2 session - click here to go there
Also links to the Video Section, Christmas movie - click here to go visit
(O and T are in a Jewish bar)
T - A pint of Caesars finest barman, and a packet of chicken scratchings (To audience) I don't eat pork.
(T takes a drink and pulls a face)
O - Whats wrong with you?
T -That so called beer. Thats whats wrong. It tastes like camel flem! Give me Scrumpy Jacob Cider any day! Anyway, you going to the game on Saturday?
O - The game? Are you serious? After last weeks performance? Losing 3-0 at home to Bethsaida. Thats not even a proper place! And, Julius Flack scored a hat-trick. I mean, Flack? Hes awful! Normally, he couldnt hit a camel from 12 paces!
T - Got a chance this week, its Exeter City in the cup!
O - A chance? Weve got no chance! Our defence is non-existent and youve got more chance of getting a camel through the eye of a needle than our midfield have got of getting a ball through a defence. And dont even get me started on our strikers! They (T looking in opposite direction.) are you listening to me?
T - Yes dear!
O - (Shouts in Ts ear) Oi
T - What?
O - What are you looking at?
T - Not what, who. That barmaid. She keeps looking over at me. (Runs fingers through hair) Think Im in there!
O - Get real! Youve got no chance. Shes out of your league.
T - (Sighs) Youre probably right. (Brightens up) Ill tell you who I really fancy.
O - If you must.
T - (Stage whisper) Mary
O - (Shouts) Mary!
T - Keep your voice down
O - Mary? As in Joseph and Mary, Mary?
T - Yes, Mary. You gotta admit, shes got a cracking figure and fantastic ankles!
O - Shes engaged to Joseph. Or had you conveniently forgotten about that?
T - Of course I havent forgotten. But, stranger things have happened. Maybe Joseph has a secret drink problem.
O - You need help. I cant believe youre even thinking about these things. Shh. Here he comes
(J walks in looking totally depressed, sits down.)
O - Hi mate. Whats wrong?
J - Ive had some bad news.
T - Sorry to hear that Want a beer?
J - No thanks. Dont feel like drinking.
O - (To T) There goes your theory!
T - Shut up!
J - What theory?
T - Never mind. Just ignore him. Whats up?
J - (As O takes a drink) Marys pregnant!
O - (Spits out drink) Pregnant?
T - Call me an old traditionalist, but isnt the correct procedure to get married first. But, well done, you sly dog!
J - Im not the father
O - (Glares at T) You
T - Of course I didnt. (To J) so whos the father? Ill send the lads round!
O - Shut up!
J - I dont know who the father is
O - Whats Mary said?
J - She said that an angel visited her and told her that she was going to have a child by the Holy Spirit.
T - (Sarcastic) Oh! Thats very convenient. Blame someone who doesnt live in the town. Thats gotta be the most original... and the most stupid excuse Ive ever heard!
O - Will you please keep your mouth shut for 30 seconds? (To J) The Holy Spirit? Surely she knows no-one will believe that story?
J - She must think Im a fool.
O - What are you going to do?
J - I dont know. I think maybe I still love her.
T - Love her?! Then you really are a fool! How can you even think about still being in love with that harlot, that fluzy, that tart? Get rid of her mate, thats my advice
O - Oh thats great! Relationship advice from the doctor of lurve himself, Abraham Springer! Youve had more girl-friends than Ive had quail sandwiches! (To Joseph) Listen Joe. You gotta be sure about this. You know what this place is like, peoples tongues move faster than a greased whippet! A lot of muds gonna be thrown at you and Mary and some of its going to stick.
J - (Smiles weakly) Guess Id better buy an umbrella then! What am I going to do? I love Mary, shes never lied to me before, but this is just too unbelievable to be true. Any suggestions?
(O and T sit silently, looking awkward staring at the ground, shuffling feet etc. every time T goes to say something O shuts him up.)
O - (Jumping up) Ive got it!
T - Well I dont want it!
O - No, you cretin! Ive got the solution. Its simple, well ask the advice of the most wise man we know, Rabbi Andrew.
J+T - (Look at each other. Together) Rabbi Andrew!
J - Thats brilliant!
T - Ill say its brilliant, Rabbi Andys always got a few bottles of wine just waiting to be consumed!
(O,T and J approach A)
J - Well have to wait, hes preaching
T - (Fed up) Great, we could be here for days!
A - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
T - Told you
A - Blah, blah, blah, amen
T - At last, hes finished. Wheres the wine?
(O,T and J walk up to A)
A - Hey lads. Hows it going?
J - Not too good Rabbi Andrew.
A - Call me Andy. Whats wrong brother?
J - Well its about Mary
A - Ah yes, a fine specimen, fantastic ankles!
T - Thats what I said!
J - (unsure) yyeess! Anyway, as you know, were engaged to be married. But today she tells me that shes pregnant and that the Holy Spirit is the father. And I dont know what to do.
A - I feel your pain brother Joe. Theres only one solution stone her!
J - What? Stone her? I cant do that!
A - Youve got to. (Holds up Bible) Its in the rules. (Starts to read) Both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death..' There you go, problem solved.
J - But doesnt it also say that when Moses asked God to forgive the people, our ancestors, God agreed. Shouldnt we forgive too?
A - A mere technicality! Anyway, Leviticus comes before Numbers, so we do my bit first! Ill tell you what, well stone her, then well forgive her! That way, everyones happy.
J - No! I refuse to let Mary be killed.
A - Then you really are a fool. Im off for a drink. Anyone coming?
T - Too right! (A and T leave)
O - So, what are you going to do?
J - I just dont know
T - This may sound childish, but its true. Every time we face a hard situation, Satan attacks us and tries to persuade us to make the wrong choice. The only thing we can do is pray and ask God for the wisdom to know whats right and the strength to do that.
J - I guess youre right. (To audience) What would you do?